Please note, this is an archived story. Please check the date above.

Forgive me Usher for I have sinned. It has been several years since my last screening. In that time I have shunned the truth and light of the silver screen. Having dabbled with the pseudo-cinematic world of video, pay per view and Sky Premier, I am finally returning home.

And forgive me too, reader, if I come across as blasphemous or flippant. Believe me when I say that visiting the cinema, for the first time since Springsteen sang about the Streets of Philadelphia, was just as traumatic an experience as would be visiting The Booth of the Repentant, should I ever again deem it worthwhile.

The evening started fine with a last minute visit to a local hostelry timed to coincide with the actual start of the movie, thereby skipping the twenty minutes or so of adverts that precede it. Many thanks to the helpful box office assistant who provided us with the vital starting time, which we only missed by about two minutes.

Thinking about it, that may have also been the first problem with my Homecoming. Perhaps sitting through the adverts for the local Chinese take-away and the tantalising previews of "forth-coming attractions" is actually required to build up anticipation for the main event? Maybe, in some way, it felt wrong to go straight into the film, as it would going straight into The Booth, without first being made to sweat it out in a cold, empty Church waiting for the privilege of telling my innermost secrets to a relative stranger?

Getting on to the film, sadly, this is in effect what the story is about. Ben Elton has produced a film about his own life, told through the eyes of Sam (Hugh Laurie), and his wife Lucy (Joely Richardson), who, in turn, is telling the same story about his own life.

Inconceivable, Elton's book which forms the basis for his film, has been recommended by friends. It is, apparently, a warm, funny and intelligent look into the lives of a couple struggling to conceive, based on Mr & Mrs Elton's own personal experience. I did intend to read the book until learning the film was due for release. Always one to take the easy option, I decided to skip the book and watch the film instead. I'm now left wondering whether I've saved myself many more hours reading the book or whether I've been deprived of a great read by two hours of pap.

Several changes have been made in the translation to the big screen, mainly in the hope of selling the film to the Americans. Seemingly not capable of understanding that Four Weddings was such a hit abroad precisely because it was an English film, Elton has gone out of his way to try and create a film the American's will love. This should really have been the first warning sign. Actually, no, I'm being too hard on myself, that was the only warning I had.

I seriously feel I had the right to be warned of the excessive use of Shakespeare - how many people in this country routinely quote the Bard, at length, in normal conversation? - the unnecessary displays of Laurie's musical talents - Peter's Friends anyone? - and the appallingly bad bit parts played by Emma Thompson and Joanna Lumley.

They should have been required by European law to print it, in 144-point, on the posters - "Warning, this film could seriously ruin your evening". They could always have removed it for our cousins across the Atlantic.

Having said my three Hail Marys and two Our Fathers, I shall now return to the sanctuary of my own home. Satisfied, for this decade at least, I am not missing out on anything special, I shall return to watching my films a year or so after everyone else. Happy in the knowledge I can always turn over to BBC1 and watch Match of the Day.

This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it